Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
