Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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