ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize