When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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