I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
