This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
