I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
