Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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