I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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