biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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