everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
