she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
