i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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