i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
