woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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