Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
