i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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