i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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