Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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