I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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