I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize