Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Houston, we have a blender
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
