I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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