We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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