if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize