Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
