i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
