I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Floor bacon is actually really good
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
