we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
