When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
