Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
