I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
