He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
