Tell her she can't have a vagina
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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