I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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