How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize