watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
