You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
