Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
