My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
