96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
