Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
