someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
