She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Shame - the story of my life.
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