I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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