Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
