I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
