porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
