I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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