so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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