my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
