This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
