Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
