Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
