I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
