You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
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