I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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