I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
