He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
