I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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