Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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