I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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