see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
