i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
